So i was gonna just let this blog die a natural death because I couldn't be fucked writing anymore because I just feel tired and lazy, like a fat slob. Then I read thru what i wrote and thought why is it that so many fucked up things have happened to me lately? Mum is apparently in Whittlesea working with the fire victims. After 2 weeks she called to see if I got the note. There was no note. She insisited she left it on the fridge telling me everything but she is a lying bitch. I don't even think she's doing anything at the fires except trying to fuck firemen. Once we had a gas leak and the firemen came and mum was fully dressed, but when she saw them she went back inside and changed into her silk nighty with her boobs hanging out. It was gross and embarrassing. She went out the front where the neighbours could see and was hanging over the railing asking the firemen if there was anything she could do to help. She wasn't even drunk, just desperate.

anyway there's a lot going on but I'm tired and going to bed.

Mum has vanished. She's been gone now for two days. She just never came home from work. I don 't know what to do. I tried calling work but they didn't know anything. Who's mother runs away from home? She's not answering her mobile or anything. I'm gonna wait til monday until I call the police. It's really weird. I hope she hasn't been abducted or anything. Fuck it I'm gonna call the police tomorrow. It's too weird. As I write this Reservoir Dogs is on. There are heaps of ants on the floor for no apparent reason and I'm eating butterscotch icecream.

Mum has been pissing me off heaps lately. Asking me where I'm going and when I'll be back, making sure I'm eating all my meals. Telling me to be careful about everything she can think of. Treating me like I can't be trusted. I feel claustrophobic. She needs to get a life already. Tonight at dinner she got a phone call. I think it was about me because she got up quickly and went into the loungeroom so I couldn't hear.

I fell off the front steps a few days ago and grazed my knee pretty bad. The scab has healed and is now starting to drop off. When mum left I quickly ripped it off all the way, ground it up and dropped it in her soup. When she came back she looked kind've pale. As she started to eat I lost it and began to giggle. Mum told me that it was nice to see me smiling again, that I have a lovely smile and I should use it more often. I could feel my knee starting to bleed again and could see droplets of blood hitting the tiles.

still nothing from Justin. nothing to do. nothing nothing nothing. Everything is a big fat nothing.

Turns out that it's a loon. The most primitive bird on the planet. Virtually unchanged in 100 million years. They're really heavy so they can dive up to 600 feet under water. How would you feel if you were a fish and then suddenly a bird came swimming after you? I guess first you'd think you were mad and then you'd get the hell out of the way as quickly as possible.

I still don't know why Justin left so quickly that night. I haven't heard from him since. I want to see him to at least tell me what I did wrong. I'm not going to call though because I don't want to seem desperate. Instead I'm going to eat some butterscotch ice-cream.

I heard this noise last night when i was asleep. It scared the shit out of me. I thought someone was breaking into my room. I got up to the window and there was a guy inches from me staring back at me from the other side of the glass. I freaked. But it was okay it was just Justin. I was in my nighty. Luckily it's not the one with the bake beans stain. He told me that he had come to watch me sleep. That he had been thinking about me for days and just wanted to make sure I was real. I opened the window for him and he climbed in. We kissed and cuddled in my bed for a while and he put his hands between my legs. He told me that he was leaving his girlfriend so we could be together. It was starting to get good when he just got up really quickly and said he had to go, that he loved me and that he'd call me tomorrow. He hasn't called yet. Not sure if I should call him or not. I have a session with my counsellor in a couple of hours. As I write this I can hear mum in the loungeroom listening to a relaxation cd of whales singing. She does this whenever she is stressed at work. Track 6 is the cry of the loom. My favourite. Just what the fuck is a loom anyway?

I hate the australian cricket team. I hope someone bombs them when they go overseas. You can tell they are a bunch of assholes. Heavy drinkers, probably rapists.

I just wanted to make it clear that Dad gave me the plant, not a pic of the plant. It's in the corner of my bedroom now. I kind've like it. He of course thinks giving me it makes up for him being a fucking selfish prick, but at least i got a cool plant. It's called a Yucca. Apparently it's hard to kill. I'm gonna try. Then post it back to the fucken asswhipe.

I've been seeing a lot of this Justin guy. At first it was annoying, he'd just keep popping up everywhere. But he had herb so it was hard to get too angry with him. But he's actually pretty cool. I love his voice, it has this incredible sing song quality that just lifts me up when I hear it. He's possibly the sweetest guy I've ever met. He tells me everything about his life, what bothers him, what's happening with his friends family and even problems with his girlfriend. And he's definitely having a few. Now that he let me in it feels like he'll be on my side for ever. And it's weird, I feel comfortable telling him things about me, really personal stuff that I've never told anyone before. I just know he'd never do anything to hurt me. At first he seemed to be really into me, even though he had a girlfriend and I though he was going to ask me out, or at least make a move, but in the last couple of days he seems to have cooled off, which is crap because now I want him to do something. It's driving me crazy, I can't think about anything else but him. all day everyday. I imagine what he'd look like naked (Hot!!!!) and I imagine all these scenarios, where we bump in to each other accidently and then fuck in the street or someone's front lawn or at my school. Not in a sleazy sick way, but in a real tender loving way. I know if we got together it would last forever. And I know I can't let him get away either.

I get this registered post letter this morning. So I get off my fat lazy ass and wander down to the post office. I'm sure it will be bad news. Just in case I'd waked and baked, though I've been doing that every morning now so it's hard to say this was the reason I did it this morning. When I hand over my card the post office lady starts giggling, calls over her friend saying 'it's for her.' By this stage I am really freaking out. They give me this:



And a note from Dad: 'Hope your tree-ting yourself well love Dad.'

tonight when i was sitting on my bed after dinner i just burst into tears for no reason. i couldn't stop, it went on for hours. i ran out of tears and my chest hurt but i kept going. i don't know what this is about. i'm not sad and i don't think i was thinking of anything in particular when it happened. now i'm tired

the fires have just floored everyone. The smoke came across Melbourne today, everything was hazy and beautiful, kind've like that Mel Gibson and Michelle Pheiffer film that was on Tv last night Tequilla Sunrise, except that to get the amazing sunset 180 people had to die. So we'd kind've rather missing out on this. It's on Tv all the time, public contributions are up to $63 million, all that bullshit hero stuff and patriotic nonsence about what its like to be an Aussie. So I've started smoking bongs.

It turns out that weird guy from down the street is a herb dealer. He saw me out in the street and came over because his mother had told him I'd flipped out and stuff. Apparently he liked that. So he's been giving me as much herb as I want and we've been hanging out. he doesn't seem to want anything in return. Weird. I feel a bit bad because I can never remember his name, it's like Jason or Justin or something. I can never remember. I just call him mate. It's really bad. Mum meanwhile has been impossible, she's walking on eggshells around me, so of course I've been taking advantage. I made her buy Sarah Lee Butterscotch ice cream and we've had Turkish for the last two nights. I can tell she's sick of it, but each night she asks me and I'm getting everything I want. I wonder how long I can milk this.

Anyway that's all I feel tired and sad. I suppose I should be going back to school but no ones said anything, so daytime TV + couch + bongs = me. Yippee!

So it turns out I'm cured. Though I didn't get a certificate like Homer that says I'm sane. I guess they didn't want to go out on a limb in case I snap and start attacking people in the street. Anyway I'm back at mums. It's amazing how much a towering inferno of flame can contribute to your sanity. We watched it on the news. 118 people dead, Kinglake wiped out. Everyone was getting really jumpy, when the power went out and they made us assemble in the basketball court to go through our fire plan in case the busses didn't make it in time. Some of the girls were really freaking out, sobbing hysterically. You could just tell if the fire came through here they'd fall to pieces, not remember anything. Anyway the busses came, we grabbed our stuff and got out. Mum was waiting for me at Lakes and the next thing I know we're on our way home. I think they just freaked, not knowing what to do with all these kids with the whole of Gippsland on fire. The whole way home we listened to these horror stories on AM radio about people who were surprised by the speed of the fire, got caught in their cars, almost died. It was awful, I tried to change it but mum wouldn't let me. She barely spoke to me, I could tell she was in shock.

Anyway it's nice to be back in my own bed again. I just found a can of bundy and grapefruit under my bed. I can't remember the last time I had a drink. I'm going to neck it before bed.

sweet dreams.

there's been this rumour going around that Trevor has been charged for sexually assaulting one of the girls here. I don't know her, but the police did come and speak to her, I think maybe 2 weeks ago. At the time I thought they were going to arrest her for something, like being a serial killer or something and I could be on the news saying, 'no she was really quiet, I had no idea that she murdered and mutilated 17 grandmothers.'

She's really really shy, I heard her stuttering a few days ago when she asked to have her room unlocked. I don't even know her name. She has no friends here, doesn't talk to anyone, just sits and reads all the time. I don't know whether to believe it or not. She's not very pretty, just kind've plain, long mousy hair that she doesn't even bother to do anything with, that just hangs down the side of her head. She doesn't wear makeup either just a baseball cap, hoodie and baggy jeans. Though about a week ago I saw her doing laps in the pool and couldn't believe it was her, she had a great body, really thin. I don't know why she hides it. If my body was that good I'd be making sure everyone knew about it.

I listened to that Neil Young tape. Fucking terrible. It sounds soooooo 80's. Lame.

I finished that book Victory today. It was such a strange way of writing. I got kind've obsessed by the English women. When Heyst takes her to the island she asks him to choose another name for her so she can leave the past where it belongs. The way they dance around each other, both obvioulsy so desperately in love but too polite(?) to run with it was spellbinding, oh the yearning, it's like an adults version of that vampire film that made me end up in here. We all seem to want that doomed impossible love. We yearn for the agony.

Mmm, enough of that talk.
Still no Trevor but I'm working on James to find out what happened. He brought me a cassette of Neil Young before, it's called Trans. It has this lame futristic (in the 80's) cover. He said 'it's Neil's electronic album.'He was really excited like he was giving me the most important thing in the world. I asked him if he had any Ramones. He laughed and said 'I'm a hippy not a punk.' And walked away.

This is it:

I spoke to James for the first time tonight. I'd never really said anything to him before. It was very weird. It never seemed to occur to him that I might be angry with him because he's the one who's keeping me locked up in here. Weird. I was sitting in the lounge, bored out of my brain, reading this book that was lying around. They're all so dodgy here, they buy these crap books that have been cancelled by the library. This one cost them 30 cents (I could see the price inside written in pencil). It was almost falling apart. It had the crappest cover I've ever seen, some kind of classical painting, but I started reading because i was bored and wanted to see how crap it was. It was called Victory and was written by this Polish guy Joseph Conrad in 1914. It was really complicated and nothing seemed to be happening, so I skimmed a lot, just all these westerners hanging out in Timor (or some island somewhere, I'm not really sure) drinking and scheming and bagging this weird swedish guy called Heyst. It was actually pretty romantic. Heyst saves this English girl from a crap dance troup and takes her to a deserted island, falls in love with her, but then these bad guys come because they think he has a burried fortune there.

Anyway I'm reading and it's really full on, finally the action's starting to happen, up until this point I didn't even realise that there was a plot. James walks past and says, 'it's a great book, isn't it?' I found myself agreeing with him because it was. Up until that moment I hadn't realised that I was so into it. Then he said 'You're the first person I've seen here who's ever picked it up.' I didn't say anything because I didn't know what to say. 'There's something different about you,' he said and he looked me up and down - but not in a sleazy way. Again I just sat there quietly. 'You know,' he said, 'Neil Young is playing in Melbourne tonight. Do you know who he is?' I tell him I know he did an album with Pearl Jam and dedicated an album to Kurt Kobain when he died, some kind of grandpa grunge dude. James laughs and says 'you know most of the staff wouldn't have any idea who he is. I would have loved to see him. Couldn't get the damn night off.' There is a far away look in his eyes. 'Come with me kid.' He takes me outside, we go around the corner and he pulls out this joint that he's made by himself from a cigarette paper that's been emptied out and replaced with herb. I look at it surprised and he says that he's really bad at rolling joints. He lights it up and he tells me that Neil Young's just had a brain aneurisym and may never tour again. That he saw him at Festival Hall in the early 80's and he was incredible even though he pissed off most of the crowd because they just wanted him to play the softer stuff from his earlier albums. We finish the joint and he thanks me. I ask him what happened to Trevor and he get all weird, like he's back to being the boss again. 'Why what did he do to you?' He asks watching me. 'Nothing' I say, 'I just haven't seen him for a while.' I can tell something's up but James doesn't give anything away. 'He's just on holidays for a bit.' THen he just turns without a word and walks away. He doesn't even tell me not to tell anyone. Weird.

Still no Trevor, it's been days now, I wonder if anything has happened to him. I asked Marion this dumb Irish bitch who works here and tells these long bullshit stories about how great her son is (An architect in case you're wondering), but she just told me to mind my own business and walked away. The other night I couldn't sleep. So I got up to go to the toilet and didn't turn on the light because I didn't want to be hassled by one of the staff. So I walk past the staff block and there's Marion down on her knees giving James (the night manager) a headjob. I couldn't believe it. James is this old guy, bald, fat, always angry, he's the guy who was at the meeting with mum and my counsellor a few days ago who said that I had been acting, "peculiar and withdrawn," and that another two weeks might do me "the world of good.". He had his eyes closed and as I snuck past I could hear him moaning. He had both hands on the back of her head and kept jamming his thing really hard into her mouth. It was kind've funny, her head bobbing back and forth from the force of the blows, I think she was just trying to survive down there really. I watched for a while but didn't get a good look at his cock. Finally he shuddered a bit, moaned and Marion got the hell out of there quick smart, scrambling away from him before he burst. As I walked off I could her her scream at him, 'oh no you got it on my timesheet.' I started to giggle so I ran off quickly. When I crept back they were both sitting there not talking. He was reading the paper and she was playing with her mobile phone. It was like nothing had happened.

I've been thinking of telling some of the other girls, see if I can get them fired, or maybe I should just go back to Marion now and ask about Trevor and if she doesn't say anything tell her that I know about her and James. I don't know. I might give it a few days and see what happens. I miss Trevor's smile. He was my only real friend in this place.

Trevor hasn't come in. He was due today but I guess he rang in sick. Probably just as well because I have this huge pusy zit right smack in the middle of my forehead. I look like one of those Indian chicks, and since makeup's not allowed in here I can't even conceal it. Everything's just so boring here, it's like time stands still, then gets bored too so just starts moving backwards in an effort to amuse itself.

Between group, your one on one with your counsellor and craft there should be plenty to do, but who can be fucked. I'd stay in bed if I didn't get dragged out each morning.

Some girls have these dramas, which were pretty cool at first, but now they're all the same. I don't even bother to get up and watch anymore. They just seem so calculated for attention that I just can't be bothered caring. The staff love it though, they run around feeling important, like when that fat schitzo chick slashed her wrists because she wasn't allowed to have jelly. It was such bullshit, she slashed them across just like on TV, with a sharpened ruler no less. Now all our rulers have been taken away and we've been having random room searches. That should help those here with psychosis right? Why would you be paranoid if without warning strangers ordered you out of you room and just started going through all your stuff?

It's weird though. I don't really even care about getting out that much. I just have so little energy. Can't really be fucked. Don't really care. I wonder when Trevor will be back though. I miss my cigarettes.

So that guy I was talking about, his name is Trevor. He's being really nice to me. He calls me sexy and sneaks me cigarettes. He's got a tattoo of a rose with this evil looking skull coming through it on his thigh. It looks really cool. He showed it to me two nights ago when he was last working the nightshift. He's off now for a few days before he comes back on in the day shift. He's actually pretty sweet, not like I thought at first. A few days ago I was playing pool with Suzie, this fat schitzophrenic girl from Bundoora. Trevor was there too, just watching us. Suddenly she smashed the pool cue against the wall and walked out. I didn't do anything to her neither, it was totally out of the blue. But it left me and Trevor alone. He wasn't angry. He just walked up to me really cool and silent, looked straight into my eyes and told me that he knew why I was so sad. I couldn't believe it. Up until that point I didn't even know that he's noticed me. Up close his eyes were this deep milky hazel, kind've sexy, like a cat. He said that no one understands him either, and that people always think the worst of him. Then he grabbed my chin, I thought he was going to kiss me and without a word he just walked out. My heart was beating so fast I couldn't believe it. I don't know how he knew this stuff, but since then I've caught him watching me as I walk down to the laundry or to the pool. And just before lights out he's began dropping around cigarettes. He never asked, after that night he's stopped by everynight with 2 cigarettes. He just plonks them down on my bedside table and says 'sweet dreams sexy.'

I saw this film in Lakes Entrance. I was up there with my dad. He said he'd drop me off, so he didn't embarrass me. So I went to see it alone. I reckon he probably wanted to go to his skanky Mrs house. I guess I'd been cramping his style a little bit since I'd been there. He didn't say nothing but he kept encouraging me to go out on my own, make new friends and all that shit adults say when they don't want you around. Anyway there were a bunch of other girls there but they all knew each other. It was in a squash court. When I walked in all I could smell was squash sweat mixed with butter popcorn. I smuggled in a can of bundy and cola but didn't get a chance to drink it. The other girls were half bogan country girls and half rich bitches on holiday, fake tanned, blond extensions, useless bitches chattering shit. The film before ran late, a huge line formed and all I could hear was this chatter, I was getting more and more uptight. I don't know why, waiting just sets me off and waiting with these bitches made it a million times worse. The room was hot and noisy. I was sweating. I just wanted to be out of there.

The film was this vampire love story. We got in and the cinema was packed. All girls all my age all chattering. I wanted to die. I prayed for the lights to go down, I wanted this over, but I had nothing else to do so I stayed. The film was about a girl who fell in love with a vampire kid. He was cute but pale, she was dumb kind've, but a typical kid. It was really good. I got really involved and lost myself in it. I put myself in her place and I got really scared. I loved him but I knew he wanted to drink my blood all the time. It was too much to bear. I started to enjoy the danger. After a while I felt this heaviness on my chest, like a hand pressed down really hard. It hurt to move. I couldn't breathe and started to freak out.

To cut a long story short they had to stop the film, ambulance came and I got taken to hospital. I kind've freaked out in hospital, got really angry and they sent me here. I'm on some medication and only have 20 min internet time a day. No email. It's actually barred so you can't even do it behind their backs. I hate this place. Everyone's so fucking rational but it's not true because the staff are more mental than we are, they just think they got it together. There's this one older guy (about 19) who think all the girls want to fuck him so he keeps taking his shirt off even though the buildings air conditioned. This girl told me that he tried to rape her but I don't know if that's true. Seriously I could go mad here. I'm so pissed off with my dad for letting this happen and for being such a selfish prick again. Got to love access. Mum and doctor are on their way down. Imagine that car trip.


Hey how fucked up was that last post huh? It's so funny I have to keep it. Hope it didn't scare you. Least you know the drugs are good.

Okay,
sorry. you're probaby wondering what happened to me. Why this sudden silence? Well I've gotta be quick. I'm not 'allowed' to be on the net. Apparently it's 'unhealthy' for me. Those motherfuckers. Actually they probably wouldn't fuck their mothers, they'd probably just commit her so then she's easily accessible for anyone to fuck her while she's drugged ut on god knows what. It started when my dad took m away to Lakes entra ce and then there aAS this guy and because fo that I wanted to speak ghis for a goood and a thought that may and not geel so good and just take me away. You fuc you stink fuck and fuck shit