I finished that book Victory today. It was such a strange way of writing. I got kind've obsessed by the English women. When Heyst takes her to the island she asks him to choose another name for her so she can leave the past where it belongs. The way they dance around each other, both obvioulsy so desperately in love but too polite(?) to run with it was spellbinding, oh the yearning, it's like an adults version of that vampire film that made me end up in here. We all seem to want that doomed impossible love. We yearn for the agony.

Mmm, enough of that talk.
Still no Trevor but I'm working on James to find out what happened. He brought me a cassette of Neil Young before, it's called Trans. It has this lame futristic (in the 80's) cover. He said 'it's Neil's electronic album.'He was really excited like he was giving me the most important thing in the world. I asked him if he had any Ramones. He laughed and said 'I'm a hippy not a punk.' And walked away.

This is it:

I spoke to James for the first time tonight. I'd never really said anything to him before. It was very weird. It never seemed to occur to him that I might be angry with him because he's the one who's keeping me locked up in here. Weird. I was sitting in the lounge, bored out of my brain, reading this book that was lying around. They're all so dodgy here, they buy these crap books that have been cancelled by the library. This one cost them 30 cents (I could see the price inside written in pencil). It was almost falling apart. It had the crappest cover I've ever seen, some kind of classical painting, but I started reading because i was bored and wanted to see how crap it was. It was called Victory and was written by this Polish guy Joseph Conrad in 1914. It was really complicated and nothing seemed to be happening, so I skimmed a lot, just all these westerners hanging out in Timor (or some island somewhere, I'm not really sure) drinking and scheming and bagging this weird swedish guy called Heyst. It was actually pretty romantic. Heyst saves this English girl from a crap dance troup and takes her to a deserted island, falls in love with her, but then these bad guys come because they think he has a burried fortune there.

Anyway I'm reading and it's really full on, finally the action's starting to happen, up until this point I didn't even realise that there was a plot. James walks past and says, 'it's a great book, isn't it?' I found myself agreeing with him because it was. Up until that moment I hadn't realised that I was so into it. Then he said 'You're the first person I've seen here who's ever picked it up.' I didn't say anything because I didn't know what to say. 'There's something different about you,' he said and he looked me up and down - but not in a sleazy way. Again I just sat there quietly. 'You know,' he said, 'Neil Young is playing in Melbourne tonight. Do you know who he is?' I tell him I know he did an album with Pearl Jam and dedicated an album to Kurt Kobain when he died, some kind of grandpa grunge dude. James laughs and says 'you know most of the staff wouldn't have any idea who he is. I would have loved to see him. Couldn't get the damn night off.' There is a far away look in his eyes. 'Come with me kid.' He takes me outside, we go around the corner and he pulls out this joint that he's made by himself from a cigarette paper that's been emptied out and replaced with herb. I look at it surprised and he says that he's really bad at rolling joints. He lights it up and he tells me that Neil Young's just had a brain aneurisym and may never tour again. That he saw him at Festival Hall in the early 80's and he was incredible even though he pissed off most of the crowd because they just wanted him to play the softer stuff from his earlier albums. We finish the joint and he thanks me. I ask him what happened to Trevor and he get all weird, like he's back to being the boss again. 'Why what did he do to you?' He asks watching me. 'Nothing' I say, 'I just haven't seen him for a while.' I can tell something's up but James doesn't give anything away. 'He's just on holidays for a bit.' THen he just turns without a word and walks away. He doesn't even tell me not to tell anyone. Weird.

Still no Trevor, it's been days now, I wonder if anything has happened to him. I asked Marion this dumb Irish bitch who works here and tells these long bullshit stories about how great her son is (An architect in case you're wondering), but she just told me to mind my own business and walked away. The other night I couldn't sleep. So I got up to go to the toilet and didn't turn on the light because I didn't want to be hassled by one of the staff. So I walk past the staff block and there's Marion down on her knees giving James (the night manager) a headjob. I couldn't believe it. James is this old guy, bald, fat, always angry, he's the guy who was at the meeting with mum and my counsellor a few days ago who said that I had been acting, "peculiar and withdrawn," and that another two weeks might do me "the world of good.". He had his eyes closed and as I snuck past I could hear him moaning. He had both hands on the back of her head and kept jamming his thing really hard into her mouth. It was kind've funny, her head bobbing back and forth from the force of the blows, I think she was just trying to survive down there really. I watched for a while but didn't get a good look at his cock. Finally he shuddered a bit, moaned and Marion got the hell out of there quick smart, scrambling away from him before he burst. As I walked off I could her her scream at him, 'oh no you got it on my timesheet.' I started to giggle so I ran off quickly. When I crept back they were both sitting there not talking. He was reading the paper and she was playing with her mobile phone. It was like nothing had happened.

I've been thinking of telling some of the other girls, see if I can get them fired, or maybe I should just go back to Marion now and ask about Trevor and if she doesn't say anything tell her that I know about her and James. I don't know. I might give it a few days and see what happens. I miss Trevor's smile. He was my only real friend in this place.

Trevor hasn't come in. He was due today but I guess he rang in sick. Probably just as well because I have this huge pusy zit right smack in the middle of my forehead. I look like one of those Indian chicks, and since makeup's not allowed in here I can't even conceal it. Everything's just so boring here, it's like time stands still, then gets bored too so just starts moving backwards in an effort to amuse itself.

Between group, your one on one with your counsellor and craft there should be plenty to do, but who can be fucked. I'd stay in bed if I didn't get dragged out each morning.

Some girls have these dramas, which were pretty cool at first, but now they're all the same. I don't even bother to get up and watch anymore. They just seem so calculated for attention that I just can't be bothered caring. The staff love it though, they run around feeling important, like when that fat schitzo chick slashed her wrists because she wasn't allowed to have jelly. It was such bullshit, she slashed them across just like on TV, with a sharpened ruler no less. Now all our rulers have been taken away and we've been having random room searches. That should help those here with psychosis right? Why would you be paranoid if without warning strangers ordered you out of you room and just started going through all your stuff?

It's weird though. I don't really even care about getting out that much. I just have so little energy. Can't really be fucked. Don't really care. I wonder when Trevor will be back though. I miss my cigarettes.

So that guy I was talking about, his name is Trevor. He's being really nice to me. He calls me sexy and sneaks me cigarettes. He's got a tattoo of a rose with this evil looking skull coming through it on his thigh. It looks really cool. He showed it to me two nights ago when he was last working the nightshift. He's off now for a few days before he comes back on in the day shift. He's actually pretty sweet, not like I thought at first. A few days ago I was playing pool with Suzie, this fat schitzophrenic girl from Bundoora. Trevor was there too, just watching us. Suddenly she smashed the pool cue against the wall and walked out. I didn't do anything to her neither, it was totally out of the blue. But it left me and Trevor alone. He wasn't angry. He just walked up to me really cool and silent, looked straight into my eyes and told me that he knew why I was so sad. I couldn't believe it. Up until that point I didn't even know that he's noticed me. Up close his eyes were this deep milky hazel, kind've sexy, like a cat. He said that no one understands him either, and that people always think the worst of him. Then he grabbed my chin, I thought he was going to kiss me and without a word he just walked out. My heart was beating so fast I couldn't believe it. I don't know how he knew this stuff, but since then I've caught him watching me as I walk down to the laundry or to the pool. And just before lights out he's began dropping around cigarettes. He never asked, after that night he's stopped by everynight with 2 cigarettes. He just plonks them down on my bedside table and says 'sweet dreams sexy.'

I saw this film in Lakes Entrance. I was up there with my dad. He said he'd drop me off, so he didn't embarrass me. So I went to see it alone. I reckon he probably wanted to go to his skanky Mrs house. I guess I'd been cramping his style a little bit since I'd been there. He didn't say nothing but he kept encouraging me to go out on my own, make new friends and all that shit adults say when they don't want you around. Anyway there were a bunch of other girls there but they all knew each other. It was in a squash court. When I walked in all I could smell was squash sweat mixed with butter popcorn. I smuggled in a can of bundy and cola but didn't get a chance to drink it. The other girls were half bogan country girls and half rich bitches on holiday, fake tanned, blond extensions, useless bitches chattering shit. The film before ran late, a huge line formed and all I could hear was this chatter, I was getting more and more uptight. I don't know why, waiting just sets me off and waiting with these bitches made it a million times worse. The room was hot and noisy. I was sweating. I just wanted to be out of there.

The film was this vampire love story. We got in and the cinema was packed. All girls all my age all chattering. I wanted to die. I prayed for the lights to go down, I wanted this over, but I had nothing else to do so I stayed. The film was about a girl who fell in love with a vampire kid. He was cute but pale, she was dumb kind've, but a typical kid. It was really good. I got really involved and lost myself in it. I put myself in her place and I got really scared. I loved him but I knew he wanted to drink my blood all the time. It was too much to bear. I started to enjoy the danger. After a while I felt this heaviness on my chest, like a hand pressed down really hard. It hurt to move. I couldn't breathe and started to freak out.

To cut a long story short they had to stop the film, ambulance came and I got taken to hospital. I kind've freaked out in hospital, got really angry and they sent me here. I'm on some medication and only have 20 min internet time a day. No email. It's actually barred so you can't even do it behind their backs. I hate this place. Everyone's so fucking rational but it's not true because the staff are more mental than we are, they just think they got it together. There's this one older guy (about 19) who think all the girls want to fuck him so he keeps taking his shirt off even though the buildings air conditioned. This girl told me that he tried to rape her but I don't know if that's true. Seriously I could go mad here. I'm so pissed off with my dad for letting this happen and for being such a selfish prick again. Got to love access. Mum and doctor are on their way down. Imagine that car trip.


Hey how fucked up was that last post huh? It's so funny I have to keep it. Hope it didn't scare you. Least you know the drugs are good.

Okay,
sorry. you're probaby wondering what happened to me. Why this sudden silence? Well I've gotta be quick. I'm not 'allowed' to be on the net. Apparently it's 'unhealthy' for me. Those motherfuckers. Actually they probably wouldn't fuck their mothers, they'd probably just commit her so then she's easily accessible for anyone to fuck her while she's drugged ut on god knows what. It started when my dad took m away to Lakes entra ce and then there aAS this guy and because fo that I wanted to speak ghis for a goood and a thought that may and not geel so good and just take me away. You fuc you stink fuck and fuck shit